"You Have Nothing to Prove. You are Enough"
Reflections from a Recovering Perfectionist on the Cyclical Nature of Healing and Growth
A few weeks ago, I noticed myself slipping back into negative thought patterns I had spent significant energy healing. I am a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser. My past is littered with the internal scars and casualties of a lifetime spent giving away my power and bartering my self-worth.
I spent many painful years holding myself to a projection of perfection that—much like a mirage seen by a starving desert traveler—was always just out of reach.
A few weeks ago, while on a nature retreat with two of my closest friends I realized I’d taken a subtle step back into some of these historic patterns. In a moment of intentional quiet and stillness, surrounded by mossy Douglas Fir trees in the Pacific Northwest, I found myself; eyes stinging, holding my heart and quietly self-affirming:
“You have nothing to prove. You don’t need to do anything to be deserving of love.”
“You are enough, just as you are.”
Looking down at myself from above, as though zoomed out of my own immediate experience, I could see myself repeating the very phrases I had learned years ago at the beginning of my healing journey: “You are enough, just as you are.”
In that moment of clarity, I felt immediately humbled. I smiled down at myself in kindness.
“You’ve walked these streets before,” I thought. “You know where the path of negative self-talk and self-criticism leads. You may have thought you healed these wounds—but remember, sweet silly boy, that healing—like life—is about the journey, not the destination.”
Finding the Source
I sat there among the trees, processing my moment of clarity and asking myself, “how did I get back here? I thought I’d learned these lessons.”
I’d identified the thought patterns that were causing me internal pain, and now, I wanted to understand why and how the voices of perfectionism and externalized self worth had crept back in? For me understanding is part of healing, part of my processing, so I continued to reflect until I had my answers.
The space I occupy as a Principal Dancer comes with incredible pressure. In the highly pressurized environment that is my sandbox, I look to live a life of equanimity. Living a life of mental clarity and emotional balance often requires me to do deep internal work so I can show up as my personal best; in life, in the studio, and on stage.
I am the most senior Principal Dancer in my company which puts an external kind of pressure on me, but also theres internal pressure because I’ve spent decades pushing myself to the edges of my physical, emotional, and artistic capacity. I know—clearly—what my personal best looks and feels like. I know when I’m walking in coordinated step with the best version of myself, and I know when I’ve missed the mark.
Beyond the physical and artistic demands of my profession, performing at this high level requires me to have a highly tuned sense of self-awareness—coupled with the ability to respond nimbly and calmly when something shifts out of alignment.
I find deep personal reward in showing up for my work with this kind of focus and intensity. But sometimes, I place too much pressure on myself to get there. And when I walk too closely with my internalized sense of pressure, I have to be careful not to fall off my path and back into my perfectionist past. I have to be careful not to weaponize against myself.
Back amongst the trees, I sat there, continuing to reflect; scouring my internal world for the source of my reemergent negative self talk. I came to understand how it had crept back in, how the voices had slithered in through the back door of my consciousness, with little whispers from a barbed tongue. It started with:
“You know you can do better.”
Which felt innocent enough, but over time, and left unchecked, the barbs of these words joined forces with the still-healing wounds of my former perfectionist self. Working in collaboration, those venomous voices grew louder—more pervasive—until “you can do better” quietly evolved into:
“You’re not good enough.”
The volume of those voices continued to grow and take root in my consciousness until—boom!—I found myself where this story began; crying among the trees, whispering to myself:
“You’re good enough. You have nothing to prove.”
I’ll end this story here. As soon as I understood the root causes of my self harming inner voices, I understood how to heal them, how to hold them tenderly and speak to them with kindness—how to hold myself tenderly and speak to myself with kindness.
I am grateful and humbled by the reminder that healing internal wounds is non-linear, that it’s a journey. And, I’m grateful for the lessons that my lived pain has taught me.
Sitting with the Inner Child
Please don’t feel bad for the wounded little boy in this story—the boy crying in the grove of fir trees. Please don’t pity the child in me who believed he wasn’t enough, who thought he had to prove his worth.
As I share this story with you, I hold that little boy in my heart. We’re smiling at each other. Little-boy me, holding hands with 41-year-old me as my fingers clack away on this keyboard as we grow. Together we are learning and healing our wounds. Together, we’re laughing at the marvels and wonders of life.
How marvelous that we get to keep growing, healing, and expanding into who we’re becoming.
A Gentle Practice for Shifting Thought Patterns
If you prefer a more step-by-step guide alongside this anecdotal account, here’s how I work with healing internal wounds and negative self-talk:
1. Awareness
Learn to observe your thoughts; as you observe, stay curious about your feelings about your thoughts.
2. Shift Your Thinking and Inner Voice
Begin to make subtle (or radical) shifts toward speaking to yourself with kindness and tenderness. When you notice an unhealthy pattern in your internal space, replace it with a supportive an expansive thought pattern. Write new scripts for yourself.
3. Reassess & Reflect
Notice how your shifts begin to evolve your experience of life. Stay curious. Repeat when necessary and as you grow, look for new areas to heal or layers to unlock.
4. Repeat
Healing is a continual journey. Sometimes you’ll get reminders of how far you’ve come. Other times, life will hit you over the head with how far you still have to go. Both are invitations to return to self compassion and curiosity. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat.
If you’re looking for coaching support, I’d love to work with you. I’d love to help you uncover how to step out of your own way and into your brightest future.
Please reach out if you feel the call to your higher self but haven’t figured out how to get there—I’d be honored to walk beside you.
